If I Could be a Hustler...

When words hold a weight they were never meant to.. Sometimes they float like the heavens.. Drifting with purpose but light.. Or they might be so heavy and dense.. The curves of your “q’s” and “y’s” scrape the ocean floor… Sinking so deeply… Though not intended to be profound in any measure… So it’s usually the things you don’t mean that stick And the words want to sink in Just float on by.. I see it all the time.. Matter of fact, I wave goodbye to anything I’ve ever said that was ill-ingested And bid adieu to the ones written that formed a different meaning upon meeting your consciousness.. The tone meant to sooth but rang deafeningly loud… I’m reading and performing for clarification purposes these days.. I’ve been awaken by too-long gone on, severely prolonged misinterpretation.

I need to start painting again….. This “none art” part of my summer isn’t working for me. In the meantime, I’m sending up prayers both silent and loud for my mom…. I hope she makes it here.. soon.. I hope things get easier for her. I really hate hearing how stressed she is…. wish there was something I could do.

In a large body of water, I sit.. Afloat lazy currents that Swish lightly against my Life raft. This feels beautiful With the sun beaming.. A vacation, even… Till my sun goes away.. Then it becomes a different Kind of place. The moon blazes With an abstract emotion I Can’t read. I get scared. Terrified to be here.. Wish my sun Would come back to me..

I received the e-mail from my mom regarding this family reunion coming up. I legit wish it was appropriate for my dad to come. As a buffer. It’s like good times stay in that man’s back pocket. Guess that’s why his side of my family affectionately call him “Sunny”. The nickname fits. Lol.

Anyways… -__- this e-mail. I have mixed emotions. That’s a step up from completely seeing red. But that’s just my opinion. I have a little bit of time to get it together. Everyday, I take time to chip away at the sickening level of disgust and anger I feel towards that side. Sometimes I shed tears about it. Sometimes I don’t. Either way, I’m blasting music or reading one of my books to take my mind elsewhere.

I AM gonna need a vacation AFTER that vacation to decompress.

Just to let you know, I’m in tears as I type this.. It’s a big deal. I really want to be a better person and there are just certain things that need to be done.

To my Dad: I love you. More than I allow sometimes. Really, I’ve just always wanted you to be a different kind of father. All I ever wanted was your presence.. not your presents. But it’s taken years for me to understand that you just don’t know how. So your way has to be enough. Your upbringing was so very different from mine… and that is not your fault. At all.

To my mother’s side of the family: I have hated you for far too long. Not because of how you treated me, but because of how you treat my Aubie (my aunt). No one should ever be treat like that.. no matter what they’ve done in their lives. When one of your sons molested her it was your responsibilty to protect her…. not HIM. All those times she needed you, you turned your backs. All of you. She died thinking that we (my mom, her daughter, & myself) were the only ones that cared. She taught me to rely on friends as family—- because sometimes real family just doesn’t show up. but she wouldn’t want me to carry this around even if it’s on her behalf. But understand…. you took the one person I was most like in the world and made her feel completely alone and unworthy of love. You get my forgiveness. But in no way do you deserve it.

To who ever has taken from me.. physically and emotionally: I’m sure at some point, someone took things from you without your permission or against your will. It’s sometimes true what they say… Hurt people hurt people. In order to be a stronger person, I have to let go of whatever has happened in the past. My mind has repressed so much but I feel the effects regardless. I get flashes sometimes as far back as when I was 9. I will never know what happened for sure. So it’s out of my hands.

To those no longer on this earth: I have to let go of the circumstances that lead to you not being with me anymore. It’s so selfish really… but I wouldn’t miss you so much if you hadn’t been such great people. Some of you— we weren’t on good terms when you left, but I still think about you. I hope you can forgive me for being so negligent with our time. There’s no way to get it back.

To the people I’ve loved: each of you have taught me things about myself, my heart especially. I appreciate that in some way. As much as I bitch about most of you, I know I played my part in our demise. I forgive me for mine. I forgive you all for yours. Some of you have left me with scars that didn’t heal so well… nothing short of post traumatic stress (emotionally). I just have to do what I can to get myself right… through painting or poetry or any other form of art. But placing blame does nothing for healing. That’s why I didn’t name anyone. A great deal of you though, can’t get my friendship though. We’ve broken the threshold. There’s no way to be friends without the toxicity of our past relationship seeping in— no matter what the intentions.

To my friends: By now, if you’re reading this, you’ll understand why I am the way I am. I look to you as family once I let you into my heart. Family I’d do anything for… an I expect the same in return. However, we all have our own lives and I have to get better at understanding that I am not always a priority. You can’t read my mind to know when your presence is greatly needed, and most times, I don’t want to have to tell you. I just want a chance to not think about everything so heavily.

To my mom: I think I forgave you a long time ago for how things have been throughout my childhood. Despite everything, the good outweigh the bad and anything bad I can regard with laughter—- usually. Lol. I’m so fortunate to have a person like you in my life. And your mom at that! You’ve even been a mother to ppl who had less-than-ideal parents when you didn’t have to. What can I say…. You’ll always be my favorite girl!

To myself: I have to forgive myself for where I fall short. I’m not perfect at all. I have never intentionally hurt anyone.. but that doesn’t mean I haven’t left scars. The point is that I try not to make the same mistakes twice. At 28, I’m still trying to be true to myself, my needs, and my dreams.. Just because I’m not self-sacrificing doesn’t make me any less humane. There is nothing wrong with putting myself first. I can’t be as giving to people if I never “give” to myself. You can’t love on “empty”. Relaxation. Restoration. Respiration. I’m still learning as I go so that I can pass these lessons on to my children. Every path in your journey doesn’t have to be the long way.

I think that’s it. I feel a little better already. Forgive any typos. It’s hard typing through tears, lol. I knew in January that 2011 would be different… just wasn’t sure how. It’s half over and I’m cleansing. I want to be me…. just better. And more level-headed. But I’m an emotional Pisces so please wish me luck.

Oh!! And P.S.— To those that don’t take the time to get to know me: I forgive you. You’re not psychic. How in the world are you supposed to know that I’m worth it? Lol. I swear I won’t hold it against you….